Thursday, September 9, 2010

Pregnancy Commandments Part 3

6. Thou shalt not commit to plans without consulting thy pregnant woman.

Travel is uncomfortable. Especially in the third trimester, when pretty much anything is uncomfortable. (But even more uncomfortable when you don't have a body pillow, ice, and a cupboard full of chocolate handy.) If you are living with a pregnant woman, don't make travel plans for the 2 months before delivery and 2 months after delivery. Yes, we know you are getting antsy, we are all getting antsy, and yes we know you need a break from all the baby stuff (umm where's OUR break?) but the fact is that at 8 months pregnant, we are pretty much an immobile, bitchy blob of baby belly.

Plus, what happens if we go into labor? The nearest hospital will not do... we must deliver at OUR hospital, with nurses and doctors who know us.

This includes visiting relatives over an hour away. Trust me, after stopping every 15 minutes at the nearest gas station so we can pee and stretch, you'll know why. Relatives 2 hours away can perhaps be visited up until the 8th month, but there will be mutterings under the breath.

Penalty: If you go, you'll have to go by yourself. And if you go by yourself, expect to find your belongings dumped out the window or given to the poor when you return, if you have the gall to return at all.

7. Thou shalt not steal thy pregnant woman's food.

Should be self-explanatory. Let me put it this way. Pregnant women are like mother bears. Crabby, crabby mother bears. Protecting hoarded food comes only second to protecting our young. Especially if that food includes snacks on days where food is scarce. If there are 3 bags of doritos in the cupboard, you might get by with sneaking a handful every now and then as long as you don't dent the supply too much. However, if your pregnant woman has a bag of gummy worms in the car on the way to the beach, leave it the hell alone. Her mind has made mental inventory of every single worm in that bag. Don't be fooled. Even though she is comfortable lying under an umbrella on a chair right now, in 20 minutes she will be hungry, and the only thing that will keep her from going into a hungry, homicidal rage is that lonely bag of gummy worms she brought along precisely for that purpose. So don't you dare swipe even one.

Penalty: A hefty fine, at the very least. (Fines are to be paid in chocolate bars, preferably.) If you are foolish enough to try to swipe a snack that a pregnant woman is currently eating, prepare to lose a limb in the process. Fines double if the snack includes ice cream or chocolate. Fines triple if the pregnant woman makes "mmmm mmm" noises when eating it, as it is obviously a treasured possession at that point.

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