Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Pregnancy Commandments Part 2

3. Honor thy pregnant woman's cravings and treat them as holy.

So your pregnant girlfriend wakes you up at 2 in the morning, wanting you to go to the store because you're out of frozen pizza, and she NEEDS some frozen pizza to go with the jar of peanut butter. You have only 2 options, and neither of them include sleeping. Option 1: you mumble under your breath, go out to the store, buy her some pizza, (and while you're at it, everything else in the store, just in case) and go back to sleep. Option 2: tell her no, and listen to her clatter around downstairs trying to find something resembling frozen pizza, give up, and sob the rest of the night because she's hungry and the only thing she can stomach is pizza.

Just a heads up, sometimes cravings are not just cravings. Sometimes cravings are the only thing we can eat without throwing up. And, OUR options are, 1. throw up from hunger, 2. throw up from eating a nauseating food, or 3. eat what we are craving.

So please, just suck it up and tell yourself that this is just preparation for meeting a baby's incessant nighttime demands. You're about to become a parent- you knew that sleep was one of the sacrifices you would have to make, anyway.

4. Honor Father and Mother's Day, even if it is a bit premature.

It's Father's Day and you're not a father yet? Too bad, expect a date night anyway. It's Mother's Day and your bun is still in the oven? Too bad, buy her an ice cream cake anyway. For women, we become mothers long before our babies are born. We read books on mothering long before we deliver, we follow our fetus' development week by week, and we can feel the little bastard kick bruises into our ribs. Motherhood, by definition, (well, it SHOULD be the definition) is "voluntary torture", which begins long before the little devil makes his appearance.

Penalty: Buy us an ice cream cake. Seriously, that's all we want. Just buy us the damn cake and give us a hug. It's not hard.

5. Thou shalt not murder thy pregnant woman, despite the temptation.

It's the hormones. Really, it is. Hormones can turn a perfectly rational person into a raging psychotic drama queen. It's been all day and she hasn't quit sobbing? Just hug her and hold her until the clouds clear. She throws a toaster at you for saying it's too early to pick out names? At least listen to her suggestions. After all, she's already made a list of her top 50 girl names and top 50 boy names, the least you could do is take a look at it. She asks you to move the couch to a different corner AGAIN? Well, at least you're getting a workout.

Penalty: Well, killing a pregnant woman is 2 counts of murder. That said, we do have some sympathy for you for having to put up with us. Just be patient and humor us if you can. After all, pregnant women are at least semi-rational beings. Babies are completely irrational. So count your blessings while you can.

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