What You Think When You're Pregnant

This is what's going through a pregnant woman's mind, in case you wanted to know...

Week 4: My period is a day late, am I pregnant?

Week 5: Oh my God I'm pregnant!!!

Week 8: Oh my God I'm sick to my stomach... what the hell is this baby doing to me?

Week 10: AAAAH I have baby poisoning. Yep, "baby poisoning" is the right word to use.

Week 11: Oh this nice cold toilet bowl feels good against my face...

Week 12: Why is my husband/family/boyfriend such an IDIOT? He left the toilet seat up again and now I want to punch his face in!

Week 13: I never want to eat another saltine cracker EVER again.

Week 15: The morning sickness is gone... oh no! Am I miscarrying?

Week 17: Wait, what happened to the ice cream? Did I really eat it ALL yesterday?

Week 18: Oh no, I can't feel any kicks yet! Is my baby alive? What is wrong with me?

Week 20 (or whenever you got your ultrasound): Oh my God! There s/he is! My baby is so cute!

Week 21: I'm only halfway done???

Week 22: Oh this picture of a kitty is so cute. *Starts bawling*

Week 23: It's seriously only been another week? When am I going to be DONE?

Week 24: OK my baby might survive if it's born now, I really am going to be a mom!

Week 25: What if I'm not a good mom? What if my baby grows up to hate me? What if I can't handle having a child?

Week 26: Seriously, the morning sickness is back??? WTF?

Week 27: Oh wow I'm SO tired.

Week 28: Where did I leave my car keys? Oh well it's too much work to find them, I'm going back to bed.

Week 29: AM I DONE YET???

Week 30: Only 10 more weeks. Am I a bad mom for thinking that I just want him/her to be born now?

Week 31: OMG the baby is almost here and his/her room isn't finished yet! What am I going to do, I only have 30 onesies and my hospital bag isn't even packed yet!

Week 32: OK baby, STOP kicking my ribs now, I'm going to have broken ribs because of you...

Week 33: Is this a contraction?

Week 34: What will labor be like? Can I handle it? I can't even put on my own socks!

Week 35: OK this baby can really come out anytime now...

Week 37: Yay full term! Time to birth this baby...

Week 38: It's only been a week? Come on out baby!

Week 39: I wonder if it's too soon to drink castor oil? Eat spicy foods? Have lots of sex?

Week 40: OK baby GET OUT! Yes, please strip my membranes!

2 hours later: Can I make another appointment today? I want my membranes stripped again, it didn't work the first time. I have to wait a whole week to do it again???

Week 41: Please? Mommy will buy you an XBox if you just get out now! I wonder if it's a crime to break your own water...

Week 42: What do you want from me?? A pony? I'll buy you a pony, a rocketship, anything you want just get OUT!

Early labor: Is this it? OMG I need to get to the hospital pronto!

Active labor: Come on baby just get out...

Transition: I can't do this!!!

Seeing baby: WOW, s/he's so tiny, didn't I just give birth to a train?

2 weeks later: OK baby, you can get back in the womb now, you were quieter in there...