The point being, I have my hands full. And I would just appreciate it if my husband helped out every once in a while. He, however, doesn't see what I really do with my time and just thinks I slack off.
So we are doing an experiment where I work his hours and we split the stuff that doesn't get done 50/50 on the weekends. Fine, right? Since I have to get up earlier, I'm getting more things done, but otherwise it is the same old routine. I'm only on the computer while I nurse my son, for lunch break, and after work.
The experiment is going well so far, but instead of making me happy this arrangement is just making me more depressed. Why? I'm not sure but my theory is that I don't think marriage should adopt the attitude of strict equality. I just end up sad when I have to keep track of how long it takes me to do laundry, so that my husband can spend equal time doing dishes. I realize that this is necessary in our experiment but when this experiment is over, I really don't want to do things like that anymore. I really don't care if I end up doing more work than my husband. All I want, really, is for him to decide to help me once in a while.
In my vision, husbands and wives have their own things that they are supposed to accomplish on a regular basis. I'm supposed to take care of dishes, laundry, farm chores, etc... while he is supposed to take the trash out and empty the humidity bucket and go to work. But instead of strict roles, I need more flexibility. For example, every once in a while I'll take out the trash and empty the humidity bucket, every once in a while my husband helps with laundry or dishes or chores. I guess this is what I mean by "help each other." When there is a big project, I volunteer my help without my husband asking. But he never does the same with me. This is the real problem that I have, not that I'm doing more work overall.
So what do you think? Should everything be equal in a marriage?
Hi-
ReplyDeleteGreat post - quite a dilemma. We don't care about who does what here - although, we kind of settled in to what we lovingly refer to as "the girl and boy list"....and we always joke when the other of us does stuff on the 'other one's unwritten list. We just do whatever, ask for help when we need it and NEVER keep score. But that's because we know that neither of us would take advantage of the other. We believe that our intent, desire, and actions are all good-willed and loving. And my husband never complains, I do some times, but not him. He is a gem. I can be a 'baby' some times. heehee and then we laugh :-)
Love to you
Gail
peace....
that's what i'd like for us too, but for some reason it just doesn't happen. :/ i'm not sure what to do about it.
ReplyDeleteHi again-
ReplyDeleteI encourage you to keep being you - do or dont do what feels right for you to keep first yourself balanced and then the marriage in balance/harmony. Eventually he will have to act to keep the harmony/balance in sync. ANd some times it is simply so that one does more most of the time to balance both sides - like the magnetic core. I think you are such. :-)
Love you
Gail
peace....
Household duties and tasks are NEVER equal. If there is a stay-at-home person, then that person gets saddled with most of it. It might not seem fair -- but that's the way it tends to work!
ReplyDeleteOne thing that can help to drive home the point of the immense amount of work involved is to choose one of the most vexing tasks and simply not do it for a few days. When I've taken this tact, Della usually gets the message. ;)
I tend to agree that a husband/wife team each have their own responsibilities. We are about to transition to me being a SAHM and I know things will change. I guess it really is dependent on what works for your marriage and relationship. I definitely wouldn't try to apply outside labels to your role as a wife and mother, but I think you're correct in your realization that each individual is responsible for different things. I do think, however, that your husband needs a little bit of a wake up call in to how much work you do on a daily basis. Maybe he should take a day off and try to be a stay at home dad all day with you NOT home! I know Brian tends to use me as a "crutch" if he can't get Clint to calm down or wants to accomplish a large task and during the day, SAHM's just don't have that option!
ReplyDeleteYou bring up a classic issue in relationships, who does what, when and how much. For a relationship to truly work, each person does things because they need to be done, not because it is someones designated job. If he sees the dishes need to be done than he should do the dishes, if you see the trash needs to go out then you take it out. In a marriage each person will gravitate to certain chores, however expectations and rules usually just cause each person to be frustrated and not feel appreciated.
ReplyDeleteSuch a fascinating problem... And one every married couple deals with.
ReplyDeleteAt the end of the day, I believe there is only one solution - RESPECT. My wife is a stay at home mom, and even after 2.5 years of thiswe are still figuring out what works for us. But at the end of the day, when she's angry with me for not helping enough around the house and I'm angry at her for not appreciating my long hours at the office away from the kids I love just to provide food and money, the only thing that gets us past an argument is RESPECT. We know we're both doing our best.